Gifting

The act of giving.  Gifting.  Donating.  Charity.  Customarily and instinctively, the spirit of providing someone with something without expecting anything in return is associated with benevolence.  Although it may not always be entirely altruistic, with the amount and timing of the ‘gift’ being decided by tax implications and potential financial benefit to the donor. 

Gifting is very confusing for me personally, so I have always deferred to the better judgement of ‘she who must be obeyed’.  Ladies – through family traditions, customary influences bred over generations or, guided simply by reason of ‘reciprocity’ – possess an innate ability to arrive at the right decision. 

“She gave $.. at our son’s wedding, so we must at least return $..  But, let me call XXX to see what she is giving.  Also, they are closer than us to YYY; we don’t want to be seen as upstaging anyone.”  “We should limit our gift to $..  so that they are not under pressure, if they have to return the favour at our anniversary celebration.”

This is a global phenomenon transcending ethno-cultural boundaries.  Please note I am not making a pro-/anti-feminist statement; merely sharing my ‘lived experience’ (an expression that is now rampantly exploited!)

We grew up with the adage: “the right hand must not know what the left is providing.”  Irrespective of their faith or religious background, this dictum was solemnly repeated by all.  A few enlightened souls may believe in, and adhere to its underlying principle.  Today, philanthropy is a big, specialist industry.  Tax sheltering and ‘naming rights’ are negotiated before the donor parts with a cent of their money.  A saving grace is that at least a fraction of the donors’ accreted wealth trickles back, to be used as needed.

There are many instances of giving (and receiving) which confound me.  At a restaurant after a perfectly enjoyable meal, we have also lived through the “settling the bill” spectacle.  Generosity aside, does it enhance the bill payer’s, or, lessen the recipients’ stature? 

Recently, a dear friend was invited to the birthday celebrations of his close friend and sought ideas for a suitable gift.  Consideration was given to making a donation to his friend’s favourite cause/charity on his behalf in lieu of a ‘traditional’ birthday present.  As it turned out, the soon to turn septuagenarian decided he did not want or need any presents.

This sentiment was also replicated in another way.  A friend and I meet each month for a coffee session at his residence.  To acknowledge his generous hospitality, I occasionally carry a bottle of wine, cookies or my wife’s freshly baked apple cake.  Recently, my 89 years old friend requested that I stop this reciprocation.  He is grateful but now wishes to “start letting go and not accumulate” as he has more than what he needs.  He then introduced to me the Jain concept of ‘Aparigraha’ [non-possessiveness or non-acceptance of gifts].  Rejecting material objects is reflective of the mind-state that seeks to become detached, or at least, non-attached.  Several years ago, my wife and I had stopped accepting presents for birthdays or anniversaries and exchanging gifts for celebrating festivals.  Still, if a friend lovingly offered the gift of home-made ‘mithaai’ [sweets] and delicacies over Diwali, it was readily and gratefully accepted!  However, rules – as it is said – are meant to be broken!  Following the lead of my wiser friend I am now encouraged to make a more conscious effort to break old habits.

There is another moral dimension to gifting that I have wrestled with, for a long time.  An ex-colleague and a dear friend liked to assist homeless persons he encountered on Bay Street when walking from Union Station to our offices.  He would hand out $5, but only if the receiver accompanied him to the nearest eatery to buy a meal.  He insisted that this prevented his money from being misused for consumption of narcotics or for other illegal/inappropriate activities.  Although appreciative of his ‘intent’, I am unable to reconcile to his rationale.  I believe that once the money passes hands its ownership is transferred, ending my friend’s authority to impose conditions for the future use of the monies. 

My logic may reflect unconscious subservience engrained as a kid growing up in India in the early 1960s.  At the time India was treated as a pariah, economically and otherwise.  Because of severe food scarcity in the country, the US had come up with their PL480, a Food For Peace program.  Ostensibly, the Americans extended Aid if US wheat and grains were imported to feed the starving Indians.  The underlying intent of aid to fund development projects was laudable, but this Aid came to be used to arm-twist and influence India’s national policies and further American interests.  It festered a feeling of disesteem and resentment against the US.  Biting the hand that feeds? 

The anonymous Prayer, usually ascribed to St. Francis of Assisi stating that: “… it is in giving that we receive…” possibly reminds us that to give and to receive are one in truth.

Every day I discover things for which I seek answers …